Nostalgia has been shown to counteract loneliness, boredom and anxiety. It makes people more generous to strangers and more tolerant of outsiders. Couples feel closer and look happier when they’re sharing nostalgic memories. On cold days, or in cold rooms, people use nostalgia to literally feel warmer.
Well, I made it.
I’m thirty years old.
The big 3-0.
I really don’t believe it, but my new Vermont license says so. I knew this birthday was going to be hard in a few ways, but mainly because I still have that nagging feeling of “is this right?” Is this how my life path was supposed to go? Did I make a wrong turn or a wrong decision somewhere back there in my twenties? What if I took that leap and continue seeing that guy after one date-would I be settled down? Or would I have settled? Someone told me a few weeks ago that I don’t look like I should be turning 30. How are we supposed to look like? Or be? I have no idea as I’ve never been this age before. I’ve been steering clear of those “30 Things Women Should Know by 30” magazine entries because they are bullshit. It was easy to bleed over from 19 into 20-not a big difference. But, I certainly noticed how I’ve aged in 5 year increments. Mentality, emotionally, physically I can tell. My twenties are gone, and I am happy to stuff them in my memory and pull out one or two when I feel like it. But, hot damn, they are done.
I have had a vice grip on the idea that time is running out. Yet, things haven’t really started. Which is pretty much the story of my life. I’ve been in neutral for years, expecting people to make decisions for me, give me the green light and stamp of approval or just daydream of a better life, a better something. Never I did I realize that I HAD the keys to the kingdom the entire time. Long time coming.
So, here’s what I am promising to myself. Always have those keys in my hand and move forward. I have really great intuition, and I need to trust it more.
Trust. Strength. Curiosity. Clarity. Love. Adaptability. These I desire and I hope to receive.
As my thesis for graduate school takes shape, I’ll probably be blogging less. I’m ready for winter, to be holed up in my apartment, to be more introspective, and hopefully churn out a successful paper and art piece. I hope so. I hope so. I hope so.
Thirty years…go by in a blink.
I traveled back to Memphis between spring and summer classes. It was a decision I made quickly in March when I heard a friend in Colorado was going to be in town at same time and I wanted to see friends who had lost a dear family member.
Two nights after I flew home, I asked my dad to help retrieve my mother’s barely used bike from the garage. It was a surprise Christmas gift in 2010 that many Memphians gave with the new Greenline newly opened. Anyway, he pumped some air into the tires, adjusted the seat, and I got on.
It jolted me back to my bike riding days on Redfearn Cove in East Memphis. Yes, I’ve taken some spin classes at the local gym, but this was different. I wobbled and didn’t pedal at first. But, I found my balance and rode around our little neighborhood for about twenty minutes.
Bike riding was something I did with the neighborhood kids and my sister, but also begrudgingly with my dad who tried to teach me to ride. It took forever to learn, but now I know I was on schedule. As I got older, the bikes got jammed into the garage with dust gathering–and I moved on.
Ever reflect on certain times in life-maybe childhood, maybe highschool, or a great trip, or a horrible job and say-did that really happen? I’ve had a lot of those thoughts lately about my 29 years. Are they memories I created that happened or just stories told over and over or pictures I’ve seen countless times?
My trip home was like that evening on the bike–wobbling between friends who are creating their own lives without me sharing a lot of it, balancing adulthood and riding in circles around the questions and concerns my parents have for my future.
I know I need to keep peddling forward with my head high, a firm grip, and the wind in my hair.
Summer is coming and I can’t wait to see what it brings.
Well, Thanksgivng 2011 is over. I was invited to Jess’s house in Enfield, New Hampshire, and off I drove with Ross(another “not going home for the holiday” student) in a lovely blue Tacoma truck. I think I drove it well…it was a pretty, snowy drive and had fun hanging with the Lynch family. Singing “We Gather Together” at the table was funny since only her parents out of 16 people truly knew it:). While I tried chipping away at the massive amount of homework, assignments, and projects due in the next two and a half weeks, I went to see Breaking Dawn with Cora, shopped at J.Crew/Urban Outfitters/American Apparel today, and bought Super 8 earlier in the week. Burlington is gearing up for the holidays with the Christmas tree being lit tonight on Church Street. It’s a massive 38 foot blue spruce.
I’m still not believing it’s almost December, and I’ve been here for about four months. I’ll be home for Christmas for a week. The holidays are always a strange feeling for me-another year is ending, all of us are getting older, some are still stuck in their ways, yet it’s a time for togetherness, good food, and pretty lights. I dunno. Just odd. I don’t want to “just get through it,” but the last five years, it’s been that way. But, I’m still happy where I am, and look forward to 2012.
In honor of Halloween’s arrival, here are some of my favorite Halloween cinematic/television moments:
Meet me in St. Louis:
My So Called Life “Halloween.”
Mr. Boogedy–(this movie scared the living merde out of me as a kid). I highly suggest you watch it. Thanks Youtube.